And now a message from New Jersey’s critters

RELEASE: January 19, 2007 – Volume XXXVII, No. 3

On behalf of my fellow critter colleagues, I have a few requests for you humans on your “New Year.”

I’m a squirrel and I was chosen to speak since we squirrels fare so well living around you humans. But all of New Jersey’s critters have arrived at the unavoidable conclusion that our continued existence in the state is wholly dependent on your decisions and choices!

This came as quite a shock. After all, the natural world has taken care of itself for millions of years with relatively little human interference. I must confess this system worked pretty darn well for us in the plant and animal kingdoms (with the exception of the dinosaurs, which we do NOT discuss…).

We critters believe a little enlightened dialogue could go a long way toward fostering better understanding and providing us with a bit more “homeland security” in this State We’re In. So here goes.

Our critter needs are really quite basic. Habitat, habitat, habitat! Food and shelter! We get everything we need from the land. We need places to live, places where we can eat, drink, play and safely raise our families.

You humans are doing a fine job saving natural habitats here in New Jersey. Really, we can’t thank you enough! But some of you just don’t get it! How would you like it if we relocated you and your families unwillingly into foreign lands, or killed those of you who strayed outside of arbitrary boundaries? If you think bears only poop in the woods, I’ve got an eye-opener for you… So keep spending lots of your human money – gold is it? – on preserving more land!

And the way you raise your own food can do a great deal of damage to our homes and yours. All those chemicals…really, I’m not sure how you eat that stuff! But it’s not my place to judge. Use your huge human brains to find healthier ways to grow your food – your own food security is at stake as well as ours!

Certain critters from the New Jersey Highlands (yes, we call it that too) are pleading for you to adopt a protective and strong Highlands Regional Master Plan. They’ve been especially hard hit in recent years by your pavement and pollution, and some are considering moving out all together before they sicken and die.

Along those same lines, we have been hearing about a “State Plan” for years now, and, after studying it, we ask you to follow it. It would protect our habitats about as well as anything, and still provide you humans with the economic growth you seem so obsessed with.

Again, not judging, just observing, since we critters spend so much time propagating our various species, the concept of ‘economy’ is pretty far from our minds. Like I said, our needs are pretty basic! Wink, wink!

And speaking of obsessions, we critters have never understood your fascination with cars. Of course, most of us don’t travel long distances and those who do have wings. Your roads are enough of a problem, but now many of you are driving OFF-road, smack through the middle of our habitats, and it really messes things up. Try dodging one of your ORVs when you’re only a foot tall and see how YOU like it…not to mention what it does to the land! Find some other place to ride and stay out of our neighborhoods. How about requiring folks to register them like cars, boats and motorcycles and increasing the fines?

We’d also like you to accept the donation of an island in the middle of the river you’ve named Delaware. Four hundred acres of park and natural lands would benefit us both, and foster a deeper understanding. And it’s free, which we understand is important to you.

Lastly, we implore you to care about our most endangered brethren. Hardest hit by your human innovations over the last several hundred years, without your help, they’ll be gone. Not to beat a dead horse (can you picture a squirrel doing that? Hah!), but we critters really do need the land! So fix your endangered species rules to protect their HABITATS as well, I know we’ll be able to save many more of them!

Oh, one more thing that’s a little awkward. New Jersey’s deer have gotten out of hand. All of our habitats are falling to their voracious appetites. We’ve talked to the young bucks about the dangers of promiscuity, but the message is not getting through! Your suburbs haven’t helped either! Look, let’s just agree that mistakes were made. We’ve heard you might eliminate the ‘earn-a-buck’ requirements for hunters. If you’ll scrap this plan and help reduce the deer herd, we’ll do our best to keep them off the roads!

Well, this has been fun. I hope it was for you too! On a personal note, please keep those bird feeders full! If you have questions about habitat conservation, you should contact Michele Byers at the New Jersey Conservation Foundation (NJCF) at info@njconservation.org.

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